What the heck are boundaries?
I’ve been doing a lot of research on the topic of boundaries and how women in particular have a hard time with them. Many of the women I talk to say they would love to have boundaries but they just can’t set them because it’s too hard or not well received, both at home and at work. The guilt with setting boundaries is so profound that they would rather just say yes knowing deep down that they really should say no. Saying yes comes at the expense of their well-being.
This guilt often comes from stories we grew up hearing as children and as we’ve grown into adults, they’ve stayed with us and continue to play in our heads. Put others before yourself, always. Do whatever it takes to get ahead. But imagine, if you could wave a magic wand and remove the guilt associated with saying no. The guilt and the fear are stopping us from taking care of ourselves and when we don’t take care of our own needs, it’s more difficult to nurture others and other areas of our lives. We feel drained and anxious. But what the heck are boundaries anyway?
Boundaries are:
An imaginary line that separates me from you
Boundaries can be physical or emotional, and they can range from being loose to rigid.
A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others.
A person with healthy boundaries knows personal wants and needs and can communicate them.
“Boundaries are the gateway to healthy relationships. They are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.” - Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace
I personally have struggled with boundaries both at work and at home and it’s something I continue to work on. I think it’s something that most people work on forever. Boundaries grow and change as our needs change. Here are 3 pieces of advice that I learned that have worked for me to start thinking about boundaries differently. Boundaries are healthy and although they might feel uncomfortable, ultimately you are the only one responsible for yourself. And if you don’t set these, someone else will.
Boundaries are a self-care practice. Work, home and kids are often prioritized over yourself but if you don’t have an “oxygen mask”, how can you help others? A simple boundary can be scheduling a daily routine for yourself that’s fast and easy to do. It can take as little as one minute - do a stretch, meditate, or write down what you’re grateful for.
Consider how people might respond, but don’t get fixated on their reactions. People might react negatively, be defensive, or test your limits, but stay strong because that discomfort will be outweighed by your own inner peace.
You can’t do it all. Many women, caregivers, and parents are people-pleasers and there are many people to please - your children, your boss, your friends but in trying to please everyone, you often have little energy for yourself. Ask yourself when you’re considering something, why is this important to me? And do only what is most important. This will allow you to check in with yourself and slow down to prioritize and simplify.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, neglecting self-care, or feeling resentful, it might be time to evaluate your boundaries, and how to set them consistently. Need someone to support you along the way? I’d love to help. Let’s connect!